Take 2

Take 2!  The title of this entry carries a couple of meanings.  The first is because this share is a second act to my last piece about compromise in a professional sense.  Now I’m finally getting around to publishing my thoughts and feelings about compromise in relationships [as promised].

The other ‘Take 2’ that claps in my brain is this whole idea I had in my mind about renaming Talking Krit [a play on ‘Talking Shit’ which I’m not sure actually landed on anyone] to What Would Krit Do.  I wanted this change to reflect where my expression is at now.  I thought ‘What Would Krit Do’ had a nice ring to it cuz it was more grounded, especially cuz a couple of friends of mine had said they asked themselves that question in different situations.  But the truth is I don’t have a farken clue what Krit would do most of the time cuz I’m not listening and trusting myself in so many ways – and that’s where the theme of compromise in my life creeps in again.

So here’s to a Take 2 or Take 200 or Take 2000 on life that we can always give ourselves any time, any day and any place and it doesn’t have to be on New Year’s Day or on our birthdays or on any kinda anniversary cuz every moment is special.  We really can restart our lives and make the choice to trust ourselves and God whenever.

Last year was a huge year of change for me.  Coming out publicly, getting sober and opening myself up spiritually.  While I gave some details around what compromising myself looked like [much to my Mum’s horror when it came to my sex life], I feel like this is something important for me to go deeper with cuz it still affects me.

Attention.  Approval.  Acceptance.  These are the three As I find myself moving in desperation for, especially from men but not limited to.  I had a very distinct picture in my mind of what desperate looked like [and yes it was some judgmental shit on my part] but man, when I look at the way I can move when I’m on autopilot, there’s no other word to describe it except desperation.  And scrambling in that desperation for attention, approval and acceptance outside of myself is when compromise hits.

What sorta compromise?  I’m shining light on the unhealthy kind [cuz there can be healthy compromise/collaboration in relationships].  I’m talking about settling.  I used to think if I found someone who could cook and cuddle I was set for life.  Da fuq?!  No wonder I been ok with running wild in these streets with just about anything.  More than hooking up though, it’s sharing my time and space with people when there’s an absence of a genuine connection just for the sake of having company.  Then to go a step further, there’s me compromising my relationship with myself – not trusting my instincts [my Truth] and letting outside influences sweep me away.  That’s been the most dangerous compromise of all.

Now I’ve come to really learn my patterns.  One of them being that whenever there’s a big change in my life, I become extremely vulnerable and lose my centeredness.  This is when I’m most impressionable and susceptible to taking on someone else’s truth as mines.  I go looking for “answers” to my problems from other people and sources rather than searching for them within.

Amongst all the changes that were going on in my life, I sought help in the form of 12 Step programmes.  Namely, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.  Meetings on top of meetings, sometimes up to four a day, I’d be in rooms full of people opening up about our addiction to sex and the idea of “love” and how to stop “acting out”. I was dead serious about kicking this shit.  I was willing to do whatever it took to keep my ass outta trouble!

Like, for instance, the process of ‘Withdrawal’ – going no contact with any men whatsoever, no contact with anyone who feeds your ego, no porn, no social media and no masturbation until you lose the urge for all of them.  On my sponsor’s recommendation [the sponsor being who you put all your trust in because your “best thinking” is what got you where you are – clearly that’s not your best thinking then!] I created distance between myself and my Best Friend cuz they said she could interfere with my progress.  Keep in mind my Best Friend has been the only consistent person in my life really pushing me to find my truth.  In the spirit of doing this to the best of my ability and believing it would help grow all my relationships once I was out the other side of it, I complied.

But that compliance came from a very unnatural place and whenever our actions are unnatural it’s because they’re not coming from Love.  It damn near wrecked my closest friendship.  My priorities were so twisted that I basically had a breakdown having to give up ass that was attached to fantasy but I could casually cut off my Best Friend who had held my hand through all my shit.  Damn.  I didn’t just “create distance”, my actions showed my selfishness and it showed her she was disposable.

Brainwashed and ugly as hell.  You shoulda seen me looking like a nutcase, walking past people I knew without making eye contact cuz I had to follow these instructions blindly to a T.  I mean on one hand, no I didn’t owe anyone any explanation as to what I was doing but on the other hand, I didn’t question none of it.  My I-Don’t-Know-Her Game was on LOCK.

Because my ‘Withdrawal’ wasn’t grounded in anything substantial, it quickly turned into a measure of my progress – a competition even. “How many days can I go living like a Tibetan monk and how many people can I tell about it?!”  That’s ego.  It’s a pretty common attitude in the rooms and hey, it might work for some people but it wasn’t working for me. I managed to last 77 days without any kind of physical intimacy [including with myself] until the smallest thing triggered me – a guy rest his head on my shoulder while playing Street Fighter at games night.  What seemed subtle on the outside was like unleashing the farken Kraken on the inside. I was back on the Ho Express again, moving full speed ahead to make up for lost time.

Around then, I realised Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous wasn’t helping break any cycles.  If anything, it was only perpetuating mines.  It had a very seductive pull to it – here you had a small group of “good looking” individuals [and because it’s Hollywood, that included a number of A list celebrities who you got to trade sex stories with] gathering to talk about what they would have you believe is some exclusive addiction.  “Oh yeah, he’s one of us but not them, they’re a normie”.  There’s this language that really has members believing they have the monopoly on pain.  And that filled my farken attention, approval and acceptance cup to the brim.  So in short, yes, I was in a cult.  And thankfully I can look back at it and sometimes even laugh at God’s sense of humour.

What Did Krit Do?  I’m so grateful that after that whole ordeal, I was lucky enough to still have a Best Friend who shows me what unconditional Love is everyday.  It was rough but we found a place of Love together again.  I turned to her for guidance and as always, she turned the solution back to me.  “I can’t give you the answers, only you have them but here’s one strategy that might help you focus on your search”.

Best Friend has always been there to offer advice when I ask for it. There’s a difference between handing your Power over to someone else to give you answers and having someone inspire you to find your own.  I’m grateful to have a Love that encourages the latter.  And in this situation, her suggestion was creating a Focus Wheel. I determine what I don’t want. Then write the opposite of that – determine what I in fact DO want. From there I write out statements around it that are already true in my life that match it. I was like “ok sweet”.

All in one moment everything changed. There was a massive shift in my whole being. When you’re concentrating on not wanting this and not wanting to do that [like in my cult where you repeat and sit/roll around in your shit unnecessarily daily], you’re gonna just keep coming back to all of it because that’s all that you’re thinking about. There’s so much power in your thoughts.

Once I started centering my attention on what I do want and all the ways I’m currently contributing to that, I really started to see and feel abundance. That’s a trip right?! Instead of concentrating on not acting out and staying outta trouble [which is a judgment in itself], my priority turned to staying in my Light. Instead of worrying about how I don’t want to compromise, I’m thinking about all the ways I live in fullness and how there are infinite possibilities out there for me.

*Lemme throw a fat asterisk on this though!  This isn’t a one time-that’s it-dust my hands-I’m done y’all solution.  I experienced this powerful shift but to maintain it requires consistent work that isn’t easy.  The only way to get through it is to touch the pain I haven’t been willing to touch in the past, not to wallow in it but to heal it.  It’s hard as fark in the moment but in the long run it’ll make my life much easier.

Constant maintenance.  Everyday I’m tryna figure out how I can stay willing enough to keep it up.  Every moment, I make the choice if I’m gonna stay focused or veer off to the side.  And there have been many a detour where I’m just not up to it and I go back to the [dis]comfort of that familiar compromise.

Take 256 of giving myself what I deserve.  I deserve Love, Compassion, Respect and Honesty.  All things I’ve had to redefine from scratch cuz I had a warped sense of them [that’s another story!]  So I’m out here building a moral compass from the ground up.  And I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to restart getting it right but I’m gonna keep trying as many times as I need to cuz I’m not giving up on myself.  That’s life.  We all have our setbacks but it’s up to us to get back on the horse and strive for better.  We don’t owe anyone anything but I do believe I owe it to myself to Love me.  It’s messy business and there’s no kinda time limit or way to measure it and that’s ok.

When I write these pieces, they’re an outlet for me to express myself and they’re a way to share my experiences in the hopes they help others out there [an added blessing].  They’re also reminders for me to come back to and read over and remember important lessons I can forget when I’m so caught up in my shit.  In this Take Whatever of What Would Krit Do – I’m adding a level of accountability.  To be writing what I’m living and living what I’m writing.  And I pray for the strength, courage and Love that I’m living without compromise.

Here’s to knowing exactly what Krit would do and you knowing exactly what your truest self would do too.